The Cloverdale Chronicle – Local News in Cloverdale, CA
SMART Train to Reach Cloverdale by 2071, Officials Promise
INFRASTRUCTURE
Seymour Delaise
9/26/20252 min read
Editor's Note: the contents of this article are satirical.
The Cloverdale Rail Depot, sitting unused next to Highway 101.
CLOVERDALE, CA — After years of delays, officials confirmed this week that the SMART train is now scheduled to reach Cloverdale by the year 2071, a mere 68 years after the project was first proposed.
Officials explained that the extension’s delay is due to funding uncertainties and construction challenges. A city council member noted, “Even the railway workers aren’t that motivated to make it up to Cloverdale to work on the train.”
The news, however, has nudged the hearts and spirits of Cloverdale residents into what some are calling the town’s “emotional renaissance.”
One Cloverdale native, who had initially sworn off having children altogether for personal reasons, has recently unfrozen her eggs following the announcement. “Someone in my family needs to be alive long enough to witness this,” she said.
Another resident, Bill Hegbreth, has tattooed a rendering of the train onto his forearm. “While the train might not make it to me during my lifetime, having it on my arm is the closest it’s ever going to get.”
Critics argue that Cloverdale is being treated like the lone sock of Sonoma County transit-abandoned behind the dryer to wait for its matching pair. “It feels like they just forgot about us, and figured they’d find time to connect us with the other sock later,” said Rachel Alasco, a volunteer for Cloverdale’s event planning committee.
“We finished building the Cloverdale train station in 1999,” a Cloverdale Chamber of Commerce member said. “...and we’ve looked stupid for 26 years now,” he finished, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger in stress.
“That thing cost us 4 million dollars in today’s money. It feels like when you bake a cake for your own birthday party and no one shows up.”
City leaders say they remain “optimistic” about the new 2071 timeline, though most residents admit they’ll believe it when they see it. Until then, the town will continue to take pride in its unofficial motto: “Still waiting on the train.”
